Breaking the silence about self-injury

Content warning: This episode discusses self-harm, internet predators, and emotional and sexual abuse.

Artist Donalen Rojas Bowers is a woman who has been through a lot and is strong enough to get through it all. She's sharing her story to break the silence around  self-injury. In this episode she shares her story of surviving abuse by internet predators and how she copes with the trauma.

If you or someone you know self-harms, there are resources available to help you care for yourself. If you are in crisis now, you can text HOME to 741741 and reach the Crisis Text Line. You can learn more about self-harm, how to care for injuries, and how to talk about it through LifeSIGNS.

Transcript

Breaking the Silence about Self-Injury

[00:00:00] Anne: Welcome to Mental Health Mosaics from Out North, an arts non-profit located in Anchorage, Alaska on the unceded traditional lands of the Dena'ina People. I'm Anne Hillman. 

A note before we get into my interview with artist Donalen Rojas Bowers. The episode discusses self-harm, internet predators, sexual abuse, and emotional abuse. If these issues may trigger you, consider listening in the company of a trusted friend or family member, or have a person in mind who you can call in case you need help while listening. Keep in mind, you can always reach out for help from the people at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline -- they are there to listen and to connect you with resources, even if suicide has never crossed your mind. That number is 1-800-273-8255.

Now I want to introduce you to Donalen Rojas Bowers, one of Mental Health Mosaics' featured artists.

[00:01:49] Donalen: My name is Donalen Rojas Bowers. I'm a first-generation Filipino American.

So my mom was born in the Philippines and my dad is from here in the U S and so I'm half Filipino and I'm really proud of that. I'm actually the first generation to go to college too, because my mom went to some college in the Philippines, but it doesn't count here, I guess. So I'm technically considered the first generation to go to college, which is something that they're really proud of, and I'm graduating in May.

[00:02:20] Anne: Donalen works in watercolors and embroidery. She says her artwork is a journey that helps her better understand her life. Donalen is a survivor of both cancer and abuse. For the Mosaics art show, she embroidered an image of her arm, the skin marked with scars from self-inflicted cuts. But the marks don't tell Donalen's whole story. Extending from the scars are beaded threads that transform into butterflies. 

For Donalen, creating the piece was one way for her to break the silence about mental health issues, including self-harm stemming from sexual and emotional abuse. Sharing her story is another way. She said listening to other sexual abuse survior stories helped her heal, so she wants to do the same for others. 

[00:03:08] Donalen: It's crazy how much perspective it gives you, um, understanding that you're not the only person that is, suffering in this, in that way.

And you're not the only person who doesn't like understand why things are happening the way they are and doesn't understand like why life has to be this way. Like it's, it's, it's something that's really hard sometimes. And I think that understanding that you're not the only one going through that is really helpful because.

You can feel like there's some solidarity between you and other people. And, and like in this shared human experience that has its ups and downs. 

Anne: This is Donalen's story.

So I had a complicated, like, I dunno, teenage hood and my, my family had no had no part to do with this at all. They, they were loving and caring and they did everything they were supposed to do, but I was groomed on the internet, um, by. People to were definitely pedophiles now that I'm looking back at it.

Yeah, definitely pedophiles. Um, and they, they groomed me from the time I was like 13 to the time I graduated high school and it was not the same person, but, um, there was one person who was grooming me for awhile, who, um, who caused a lot of my mental issues from, from like my younger days. 

[00:04:35] Anne: And so as when you say grooming you, what do you, what do you mean exactly? 

[00:04:38] Donalen: So, um, something that a lot of pedophiles and predators will do is groom children, it's basically this. Like how you do your, like how you might teach a dog.

Like you give them positive reinforcement for good things and negative reinforcement for bad things, but it's not actually good and bad things. It's like, whatever they want you to do. So like, they will punish you and not talk to you. So do psychological torture by like, just ghosting you for like a week, even though they were saying they were going to call you the next day and then there'll be like, well, you didn't, you didn't do this.

So I'm not, I didn't talk to you for a week and they'll emotionally manipulate you. And they'll tell you things like, you know, if you don't do this all, you know, do this to your family or you will, I will like, I will have sex with someone else. And like, I'm like a 14 year old hearing this and it was really traumatic.

And so I had, I still deal with PTSD from that. 

Normally, it's not even that they're trying to get you to do a specific thing. Um, every time they'd try to groom you, it's like, they're trying to get you into this mindset where you feel isolated or you feel like you can't talk to anyone.

You feel like everyone hates you or you feel like everyone's against you. I was told for years by someone I thought I loved and trusted that the, what my family was doing was like, even though it was just like normal stuff, like giving me a hug, like he was telling me like, well, that's malicious.

It was like, I couldn't like live without him.

Like I got to the point where I felt like if I did anything without talking to him first, I would get into so much trouble. It was such a like horrible experience that it made it really difficult to go through high school. I think that I felt like, how could anyone understand me?

I'm in a relationship. That's the law doesn't approve of because all of the losses ages. Yeah. But that, cause that's what they want you to think too. Like that's what they tell you like, oh, age is just a number. And then, you know, when people tell you things enough, you start to believe it. And I don't know, like, it's just, it's just so bad.

And they just run around on the internet saying all these things to kids and these kids are not like able to. You know, understand, like, I just didn't understand. Like I thought he was like my best friend. Like I was like, man, this guy is so awesome. He talks to me all the time. He's so nice. Like, no, he's, he's nice because he's trying to get something from you.

[00:07:09] Anne: Donalen said that when she was online, predators found her easily. 

[00:07:14] Donalen: On the internet, um, you just can, I mean, pedophiles will literally go out of their way to find kids on the internet. So like, I mean, if you just exist on the internet, they'll message you so. You know, that's, that's, it's pretty easy to talk to them. It's not good, you know, it's, it's really like, I mean, especially if you have accounts as a kid and then, you know, any person can message you and they can say there are any age, you know, you can get on a dating site and say, oh yeah, I'm under 18.

And then they've talked to you and then they, you get to like, know them and you think that they're a certain age. And then they're like, oh, actually I'm this age. And, but then you already kind of like, know them and you like them and they're their friend. And you're like, okay, well, it's probably fine.

Like, they're only couple of years older than what they said they were. So it's not that bad, especially considering my parents are 13 years apart, but they met when my mom was like, twenty-something so it's different. Um, it's quite, quite a bit different. Um, she was still young, but not, not that young. Um, and so yeah, they just, it just, they just constantly barrage you with messages.

Like it's, it was insane. Like how the amount of like old men messaging me was disgusting, honestly. Thinking about that now it's like, literally disgusting. Like, I don't know why they would think that was okay. Or like they just do that all day. Like, I don't understand, like it's how is this so prevalent, but no one, no one really realizes how like at risk, like kids on the internet are like, I think that people are just now realizing they're like, oh yeah, internet is kind of dangerous.

I'm like, yeah, like really fricking dangerous. Yeah. I was coerced into taking nude pictures of myself as a like teenager. And, and I didn't know about that stuff really because no one really talked to me about it.

[00:08:54] Anne: Donalen said that she was confused and overwhelmed. She didn't want to tell the police what was going on because she was being blackmailed with the nude photos and she was worried that she would get in legal trouble for taking them. 

[00:09:11] Donalen: I was a young girl and, and they didn't care that they were ruining my life and that they were causing me this horrible, traumatic, like, experience.

And that I was cutting myself because I was so distressed and I felt so alone. They didn't care. And so I want to say that, like, there are people that care. I, that was probably the scariest part of my life when I thought. No one cared because everyone was telling me no one cared. 

So it didn't really help. And so I thought that I couldn't go to the law. I thought I couldn't go to my parents. I thought I couldn't go to the therapist because that's basically like going to like my parents or the law. And then I thought, I couldn't, like, I thought I couldn't even talk to my friends because I didn't think they would understand because obviously they would think that dating someone that old is bad and I'm like, oh no, in my head, it's not.

I don't want to hear that. I don't want to talk to them about that. So I was alone in my head. I wasn't really alone, but to me I was alone. 

[00:10:10] Anne: Donalen was emotionally manipulated and sexually exploited through all of high school.

[00:10:15] Donalen: And, um, his end goal was basically to get me to another state. As soon as I graduated high school, I left my family. Two days later, I graduated high school and left on a plane two days later because I was ready to go to him. Cause that's what I thought I was supposed to be doing. 

And it was not great. I mean, obviously someone who's malicious from the beginning just because of my age is not going to be great when you meet them. And so I had like a horrible two months in Arizona and then I, I couldn't even talk to my parents.

He took away my phone. I was pretty much held captive, although I was lucky in the sense that I didn't get, um, like I didn't get beaten as much as some of the other people. I mostly got mental abuse.

And so a lot of my issues don't lie with like the fact that, um, I was physically hurt. It was, it was mostly through my mental health. 

[00:11:17] Anne: Donalen says she stayed with the man, who was a sex trafficker, until he was eventually arrested and she could return to Alaska. The trauma of the entire experience still impacts her mental health. 

[00:11:30] Donalen: The grooming is not just like getting you to do things it's, it's tearing you down.

It's about making you feel bad about yourself too. Right? So I, as a teenager, I did self harm. And so that's kind of like what my piece is about the embroidery. It's about, um, the self-harm I inflicted upon myself as a teenager, um, on my arms, I used to cut myself and it was something that I didn't really understand at the time.

Um, I don't know, like, I'm not really sure why I started doing that. Um, I can't remember the first time. I think that a lot of people, that self harm don't necessarily have, like, whenever I do it, I don't necessarily have my right mind. Like it's, it's kind of like dissociating from like, you know, what's really going on.

So sometimes it's hard to remember, um, that stuff, but I remember that I was doing it in high school. And it was mostly around the times that, um, that guy would pop into my life whenever he would stop talking to me and then start talking to me again and stopped talking to me and started talking to me, it, it kind of coincided with that.

And for me, like seeing those scars can be really painful sometimes just because it reminds me of a time in my life where I was so confused and felt so alone. I thought that my parents didn't love me. I thought my sisters hated me. I was, I was thinking that everything was bad in my life because of this one person telling me this stuff constantly just whispering in my ear, telling me.

You know, your family's bad, your family's bad. Your family's bad, like all the time, but in different ways. So the people that are good at it are like, they do it so well that you won't notice until it's like way late. Like, I didn't realize what was going on until after like it abruptly ended. Like if he wasn't taken to prison and just like gone from my life, it would have been very hard for me to like leave him ever.

I couldn't, I couldn't bring myself to say no. Or leave because that's something that they don't want you to ever do. So they, they groom you to not, they, whenever you say no, they give you these severe consequences because they want you to not say no. So I never thought I could leave and I didn't think I ever could.

And I think that him getting like abruptly taken was probably the best thing for me.

[00:13:58] Anne: When Donalen returned home, she didn't just go right back to her old life with her family. She had to figure out how she fit in and what she wanted to do with her life now that it was hers again. She turned to art to process her experiences and, later, started therapy.

[00:14:19] Donalen: I had a hard time bringing myself to go to therapy for a long time, especially since they've had to come the phone and ask for help. And every person you called was like, yeah, we're not taking patients right now. I'm like, oh, great. I guess I'm just gonna now go cry in the corner. Like, like it's just, it's so much like trouble to get therapy, um, unless you have like cancer.

[00:14:42] Anne: A few years after returning to Alaska, Donalen was diagnosed with cancer. Her treatment lasted 18 months and she is now in remission. 

[00:14:51] Donalen: So like for me, I didn't get therapy until I actually got diagnosed with cancer and they were like, here's therapy. Like they shove it at you because they want you to not be like. You know, like emotionally dying while you're like physically dying, I guess. 

[00:15:04] Anne: It was during this time that Donalen finally started processing all she had been through because of the online predator who abused her.

[00:15:13] Donalen: I mean, I, I wouldn't ever say that I would want to forget completely or not ever talk about this stuff that happened to me again, because then it would take away a part of me because that's something that I went through and it's made me a stronger person. It changed who I am. And I think that even though it's something that's really traumatic and quite horrendous, um, it's a part of me now and it's something that I have to deal with.

And so it's something that I, you know, want to talk about and like. So my old therapist used to say to me, it's like having a closet full of stuff. And even though you don't necessarily want to throw away the stuff in the closet, you do want to organize it so that when you open the closet, it's not just pouring out, you know, like you want to have it in a controlled sense.

So like, although these horrible things may have happened to me and I have to stuff it all in the closet sometimes just to be sane, um, it's, you know, it's something that's like, you need to be able to access it because it's not something that you want to forget. Cause that's, it's something that, you know, you want to remember because you don't ever want that to happen again.

Like you make sure that you make, you make sure that, um, your own life choices, who you associate with, all the people you talk to. I have this frame now of like, I need to make sure that I'm safe first. I think that's useful for me.

Like you don't have to look out for everybody in the world, but I think that having some, like, being able to have that, um, like perspective of like what abuse really looks like, it means that you can help other people out of it and make sure, like, you don't go back into that situation. And, you know, I think that understanding what abuse is, is something that I only learned through therapy because I I feel like when I was a teenager, no one talks about that kind of abuse. 

Therapy is also helping Donalen understand her self-harm behaviors. She's open about the fact that she still hurts herself sometimes. She knows changing that behavior is hard.

I think that a lot of times when I was self-harming, it wasn't necessarily about trying to feel something. It was like, it was like.

I was upset and I wanted a way to like, express that in a way that felt like substantial. And it's not like I didn't feel anything. I was feeling sad. I was feeling stressed. I was feeling upset. Um, but I wanted to feel like some sort of like release of like something, like, I just wanted to feel like there was something else that I could control in my life.

And that's, that's what led to it led to me cutting myself, which I never, um, intended to commit suicide through the cutting. It was never that kind of self harm. It was just the like, purely and like for the pain self harm. And, um, it, it wasn't, it didn't, it never got that bad. I never got infected or anything.

It's different now. I don't cut myself. I, uh, sometimes I'll hit myself or if I'm having like a, uh, an, uh, an attack, I might like bite myself, um, or I'll like skin pick or things like that.

But it's definitely something that I've struggled with for a long time. Just self harm behaviors are something that, um, I think that have been really hard for me to get rid of. 

Pain became something that I would resort to as a way to like, like almost like punished myself for like things. I think I'm doing wrong.

And so like, if I'm dissociating, that is something that like, I think that's like my brain process. Like, I, I, it's hard to explain cause it's not really like, oh yeah, I want to do this. So I'm doing this. It's not like that straightforward.

You know, it's not like I'm thinking directly about that. It's kind of like you get to this point where you are so distressed and upset that you can't think about anything else. And it's like, you're not even there. It's like, you're just existing. And then your body starts doing these things.

It's like, you want to not do it because it hurts and it doesn't feel good, but then there's something inside of you. That's like, you have to do this, you have to do this. And that's still something I'm dealing with from, from all the grooming and still something I talk to my therapist about.

I don't think I've self-harmed inquite some months now, so that's good. It's something that, um, I don't think you can easily get rid of. I think a lot of people that like, that do self harm, it's hard to get rid of it completely.

Like you transfer to another so, like, I think that for me, every time I talk about a certain type of self harm I'm doing, I have to, I feel embarrassed that I'm doing it, then I stopped doing it, but then I, I find something else. So that's the hard part that I will find something else. But since I talk about it, I get to not do it anymore.

So the important part is that I actually like own up to the fact that there are these behaviors I have that I want to stop. And I think that acknowledging that is important because I can't stop them if I don't want to, you know, like if I don't want to, then this I'm just going to keep doing it.

So I have to, you know, hold myself accountable. So that's a big thing for me. And I think that this piece is part of that too. Like I don't, I, I, um, I don't ever want to cut myself again. That's not something that I ever want to do and I don't want to self harm again at all either, but you know, everything is a work in progress.

[00:20:49] Anne: And Donalen's artwork helps her process her trauma and move forward.

[00:20:54] Donalen: And, um, I think that understanding that, um, it's always one step after the other one step at a time is, is really important. And, um, my piece is like me saying, it's very meta because it's me saying to myself, but also to other people that, your pain that you go through can be something you can help others with. And it can be something that can help you understand what others are going through at least. And my piece has the butterflies coming out of, um, so I made the scars and then it has like a beading and red thread coming out of the scars as if they were like freshly bleeding.

But it was just like add to the, out of the ends of the scars as if they were like dripping. And then they connect to the butterflies because, butterflies, um, have a lot of meaning to me, but also if you ever think about like the butterfly effect or, um, how butterflies are something that completely changed themselves, it's, it's, uh, like a beautiful creature that completely melt and turned into these beautiful winged creatures.

And I think that, um, they're really symbolic of just like hope and new beginnings. 

I used to be really scared and hide my arms all the time, long sleeves every day, all the time. I don't want people to look at my arms. I don't like it. I was going to get them covered with tattoos. And now I'm like, no, they're a part of me at something I lived through. I, I went through this and I'm still here and other people go through this and they're still here and we're strong and it's amazing.

And so I think that making this piece about it is really, is really cathartic for me just because it, it tells, it tells me that I'm also ready to, to move on from self harm.

[00:22:46] Anne: Donalen wanted to share her story and artwork to help other people understand that they're not alone.

[00:22:52] Donalen: Self harm affects a lot more people than they, than a lot of people think. I mean, it's, it comes in so many different forms. It's not just physical harm too. 

It's something that a lot of people probably deal with that and they just don't realize it because it's not necessarily that severe, but it's, you know, it can be for some people. 

It can be hard to get rid of habits that are, um, self destructive, just because it's easy to hate yourself. You know, it's, it's really easy to hate yourself.

[00:23:19] Anne: Therapy has helped Donalen understand why she self-harms and what to do when she feels the urge to hurt herself. 

[00:23:27] Donalen: self-harm is a coping mechanism, That often means I can replace it with like any other coping mechanism, but I have to recognize it. So sometimes it can be very difficult for me to realize that I'm like starting to dissociate and getting to the point where I might self harm, um, until it's too late.

But, um, as one of my therapists, explain it to me, you might have different levels of feelings. So like you have like, you have like different zones of emotion. And so like you have your green zone which is all good, great your yellow zone which is like your warning zone.

And then your red zone where it's too late. So, um, you have to like, kind of look out for like the yellow zones. Like if you're getting upset, you need to start doing something else to cope. And that's something that's really been helpful for me. Um, usually it means like I'm going to start painting or drawing.

Cause that's something that for me is really, um, really helpful to cope. Um, sometimes it's like playing a video game or just doing something repetitive so I can get that like feeling of like, like, like skin picking or something like that. If I'm like in the mood for that, for some reason, like, it'd be like clicking a pen, 

and I think that, um, nipping in the bud is definitely really helpful. Like go right before you get to the danger zone, you know, like you have to start being like, okay, I need to do something to calm down because it's like, I'm getting emotionally overwhelmed and it's going to be too much.

It's a lot of like, okay, I need you to stop talking right now. Like, which just seems really rude to my family. Sometimes I be like, I need to know, I need to not get worked up right now. Cause it's like, it's too much, you know? And it's really helpful to know your boundaries.

I think that's a really important thing, um, to be able to like take that mental health second, you know, or like the day or hour or whatever you need, um, is to like have the boundary and be like, I need this. Like you don't understand, like I need this. 

[00:25:15] Anne: Donalen thinks everyone needs to priorize their mental health--and that talking about the things they're dealing with is essential.

[00:25:23] Donalen: Because the biggest step you can really take when you're trying to take care of your mental health is opening up. I think that, um, it's underrated. I think a lot of people think that opening up is something that, um, is like useful, but not necessarily necessary. To getting better. Like they're like, yeah. You know, it's, it's nice to talk to someone about it, but in my experience, it's necessary to talk to people about it.

Even if it's not therapist, like, I, I have a wonderful family and support system now that I can rely on and they understand what I've been going through just because I've been able to actually talk to them about my symptoms and things. And then once I talked to them about my symptoms, I was able to start talking about like why, um, these things were happening.

Mental health is something that we need to actually worry about and you need to like actively take care of, and that like people in your life, you know, they, they, most of the time want to help you, even if it doesn't feel like it.

And sometimes you need to give them that chance. If you don't give them the chance to help you, you will never get their help. It will never happen. You have to give them the chance. 

[00:26:36] Anne: If people meet you today, who do you want them to see? 

[00:26:40] Donalen: I would say I'd want them to see me as someone who although has been through a lot is someone that can get through a lot.

Like, I'm not someone who's going to be that pushover. I'm not going to be weak. I'm going to be able to do what I want to do. And I'm, I'm not gonna I'm not going to be that person that can't say no anymore. Like, I want to be a person that is, has my own autonomy and has my own rights to my body, to my mind, to my actions.

I don't want to be someone else's person. I want to be my person first. I want people to see me as an artist and as a woman, as, as a person who cares, what other people I want to be seen as someone who has survived cancer and has survived literally hell and high water. I, I want to be seen as someone strong because I feel that way.

And I feel like at this point in my life, I'm at this point where if I wasn't strong, I wouldn't be here right now. I wouldn't be here. 

[00:27:55] Anne: Donalen's embroidered piece, "Self-Sabotage," is part of the Mental Health Mosaics 2022 art show. She also teaches water color classes in Anchorage, Alaska and is training to be a tatoo artist. You can see more of her work on Instagram at donalenbowers. 

Remember, if you need support right now, you can call the National Lifeline at 1-800-....-8255. You can find other resources on our website, mental health mosaics dot o-r-g. 

I'd also love it if you would subscribe to the podcast and rate it on your favorite podcast app. Ratings help other people find the show and the healing that comes from stories like Donalen's.

This episode was edited by Jenna Shner, produced by me, Anne Hillman, with audio mixing by Dave Waldron. Our theme music is by Aria Phillips. Mental Health Mosaics receives funding from the Alaska Center for Excellence in Journalism, the Alaska Mental Health Trust, and the Alaska State Council for the Arts. 

Thanks for listening!